I first posted this blog on Facebook immediately after my piece on “The Mating Game”.  The latter got me thinking and it jarred my blogging for a few days.   I contemplated my emotional disturbance about the unwanted ‘predatory’ advances I had been receiving from unknown males who were sending me friend requests on FB daily. Of course, on a platform such as Facebook, that comes with the territory. My deep disturbance by this attention was unexpected and made me ponder about my personal growth and what I was supposed to learn from that experience. Most people, I am told, would feel flattered by the attention and not be offended by it. I cannot confirm how most people would react, but I suspect this may be true for many. The offence I took is by no means a reflection on these unfortunate souls, who may or may not mean any harm by their advances. Rather, it reflected my own deep-rooted feelings of resentment towards males. If I dig deeper into my psyche, I cannot deny that my fear of objectification makes me less than compassionate and tolerant towards males. Perhaps it stems, again, from my early experiences of being molested as a child, bullied by male elders or being in an abusive relationship briefly in my late twenties. But how long am I to hold on to these experiences and let them colour my perception towards males in general?  When any man deigns to approach me I react with suspicion, distaste and resentment. Some of them may be single, in search of love and are trying every avenue to find someone. Others may just be lascivious wanton beings in a diabolical search for self-gratification. Their behaviours, attitudes and motives are about themselves and their own needs and have little to do with me. Yet I receive their advances as a personal affront. My responses to females on the other hand is overtly compassionate. I almost feel like women need more support to fight the onslaught from unscrupulous males. The irrationality of my responses to the sexes weighs heavily on me. It is not that I fear men – certainly not any longer. Perhaps I resent the advantage they have had over women since time immemorial and the sense of entitlement that I think they have (whether real or imagined) to assume dominion over women in some form or another. I cringe when men patronize me. I take the smallest advances from them as a slight on my integrity.

My plight is not to change their behaviour, (being entirely incapable of such a feat), but to examine my own. So, what if a man acts inappropriately? It should not disturb my equilibrium to the extent that it does. I can be forgiving towards women, why should it be so difficult to shift my mind-set towards men? I am holding bitterness and harshness which is toxifying my relationship with many males on this planet. That bitterness can only hurt me. I have truly forgiven the man who molested me. I know this because I met him at a family function I attended when my 16-year-old was just a toddler.  I spoke to him for the first time in years. His face looked bright, unlike I had ever seen him before. I approached him and struck up a conversation. It was not difficult. This man had lost his 2-year old son some years before in a drowning accident, and I recall feeling a sense of satisfaction at his loss at the time. I cried when I heard about it, and recall saying that he hurt other people’s children and now God took his child away. Yet, as I stood in front of him on that balmy evening, and he told me how his wife had just had an unexpected baby – ‘laat lammetjie’ (a child born many years after its siblings) after fifteen years, his face beaming with a mild glow, I realized that he had to make his own peace, and that God ultimately is all forgiving and compassionate. God had taken away from him and given him again. I had to release the hatred and blame I had nurtured so carefully over the years, and I felt the flood of forgiveness wash over me like a gentle waterfall. I felt an emotional release that was almost physical. Although my Dad, God bless his soul, had worked with me on dealing with it and had counselled me through the experience, I felt the culmination of that process when my heart released the hatred and malice.

Although I experienced the beauty of letting go, I ask myself why the resentment towards men still lingers, and I remind myself that there are many other males I may not have forgiven. I have not forgiven the Arab who almost killed me, or the men who groped me or tried to force me into submission in subtle or overt ways, as I was growing up, or said crude or inappropriate things to me thinking it was OK, or my overbearing male Standard 4 teacher who told me I would amount to nothing. Even my beloved father, (May he receive the highest blessings and peace on the other side), whom I bore no resentment towards and who was my mentor and teacher, had dominated and bullied me at times over the years. Have I secretly born resentment about it that I dare not allow myself to see, much less forgive? And most importantly, I have not forgiven myself for being a victim. It made me feel weak and I detest weakness. Was it really them or was it me walking into those situations and not having the assertiveness to make the right choices and stand up to them? Did I choose to be a victim? I suspect the answer is a resounding Yes. And yet, even it is so, I must see my own context and forgive my weakness in these situations. I must be kind to myself and accept that I am human and am learning and making mistakes. So too must I be compassionate to these men who are errant mortals like me. Even if their behaviour can be described as diabolical, sometimes they act out of their own fears, confusions and distractions, sometimes with good intentions and sometimes out of selfishness and gluttony. Whatever the motive, the key is that like me, they are not perfect. I take my responsibility for allowing myself to become a victim and continue to work on forgiving myself. I suspect that when I break through that barrier, I will, God willing, find the compassion to forgive the men who have been the object of my derision and resentment for the better part of my life. I had seen so clearly that fateful night, God’s mercy and forgiveness of a man who had sullied a six-year-old child, that it humbled me and crumbled my malice towards him. If there is forgiveness and compassion from the Creator, for even the most heinous offenders, if they but seek it, is it not fruitless for me to harbour hatred, bitterness and bad judgement towards people who have erred against me? Is it not debasing to hold that resentment towards men who played no part in those follies? Everyone has a story. Everyone has pain. My own story or pain is not greater than any other. That is the beauty of the equality of our existence, whether we are men or women. I continue with my struggle. Till next time God-willing. All my love, Radia ❤

I began blogging on Facebook and because I was active my profile got sent around. At the time I had a reasonably good profile picture of myself.   I began receiving a flood of friend requests from single males recently for what I suspect may be made ignoble reasons. I replaced my profile picture with one of me and my husband and a big family shot at the back.  Needless to say, the male attention diminished.

It made me ponder about the dynamic between men and women.  There is something about the inevitable attraction or need for members of the opposite sex to impress each other. One must be blind to ignore that in general, this plays itself out differently with men and women, obviously varying depending on age, circumstance and other extraneous factors.  The stereo-type notion supports the view that men are more driven by lust (for want of a better phrase) and women by romance. This may be a result of socialization or innate nature, and there are many opinions about that.  Although women are becoming more assertive, it appears that men still largely assume the role of the hunter/ pursuer by wooing, and women the role of the “hunted”/ pursued. Unlike traditional prey however, women in this scenario hold the power to accept or reject their male counter-parts advances. This is in keeping with the physicality of the two genders whereby the male is the ‘giver’ and the woman the ‘receiver’ in sexual encounters. Although I have thoughts about the source of these basic notions, what provokes my attention today, are the deeper aspects of this male-female interaction.  I watch people all the time and examine their and my own behaviour, in an attempt to deepen my understanding of our species.  Personally, I seem to illicit what can objectively be termed as ‘interest’ from members of the opposite sex.

When I was younger, I would often receive aggressive pursuits from males, and being an intense person (shaped very much by my childhood molestation), I was often aggressive in my reaction to these pursuits.  I watch their glances and read their reactions.  As I grew older theses interactions changed and as a middle-aged woman, I often experience admiring glances with a decided deference and distance.  It is almost as if they know from my presence and the energy around me that I am not approachable.  I oddly get some interest from younger males, who either are unaware of my age or sometimes embarrassingly try to hide their interest (I still get surprised by such attention and often can’t help looking surprised). I also observe male reaction to other females in the surroundings, and there is similar ‘interest’ in them.  The women on the other hand, mostly do not react, show mild irritation or are flattered but rarely return the attention. If they do, the interaction becomes subtle and more personal, with constant glances back and forth between them.  This ‘mating game’ seems to occur irrespective of whether either of them has a wedding ring which visibly shows their marital status.  These are general observations and certainly are not applicable to all males and females I observe.  On social media and the like, males who see my picture (the reasonable one I had posted before I changed it), without having met me, or not having met me for several years, very often make bold moves by commenting on how I look or how I used to look. My immediate reaction is one of ‘distaste’ or ‘anger’, especially if they know that I am married with 3 children.  One of my friends can’t understand why I don’t just receive it as a compliment.  Don’t get me wrong I am human and as vulnerable to flattery and attention as anyone else.  However, when the pursuit crosses the line of respect, I feel objectified and I experience inner turmoil.  Unfortunately, I have not overcome this trigger, because of my own gender battles and perception of males, which is part of my growth path (perhaps a discussion for another day).

Notwithstanding my personal angst, I am intrigued by how many ‘non-single’ people find no problem with pursuing other interests either in the form of flirtation, pornography for some, or extra-marital indulgences.  Having discussed the difficulties in relationships in some of my earlier blogs, I wonder if it is because people are searching for ‘more’, or if they are simply searching for love.  Whether they express this through lustful pursuits or the need for deeper romances, is it not all a search for a deeper connection with a human being and not finding the totality in their current relationships, the search or ‘hunt’ continues?  For others, there may be no hunting or extraneous affairs, but a dedicated attempt to change their partners to suit their specifications (this aspect was covered in previous blogs). It is natural that people find other people attractive, whether they are married or not. However, finding someone attractive and pursuing every object of your attraction are very different phenomenon.  Imagine if everyone pursued and acted on every attraction they had by sleeping with that person, what chaos would ensue.  Not only will partners and spouses be affected but so will children and families.  A commitment in a marriage (whether monogamous or polygamous – again another debate for another time), must surely be respected?  To me these are part of natural laws.  The scriptures of most religions advocate these boundaries.  The scripture that I aspire to follow, advocates lowering one’s glance to avoid the potential of escalating romantic advances in situations where there is attraction between strangers.  Why, one may ask, is this necessary if people have a right to their own choices, to look and/ act on it or not.  Sure, but the force of sexual energy is sometimes overwhelming and is a tough barrier to overcome.

Even the most devout, sometimes find themselves overtaken by carnal distractions.  We are humans, searching, vulnerable.  So yes, we have a choice to exercise caution and to use the appropriate tools to employ such caution when needed. Personally, I rarely find an overwhelming attraction to anyone these days and by the grace of God, I have no desire to search, but on the odd occasion that I find the pull of carnality, my first port of call is my husband. Another tool I learned from my religion that has assisted me.

Perhaps we were created to attract each other so that we may gain a higher understanding of our differences and similarities, and find a way to overcome distraction and nourish our souls? I feel like our souls pull us in one direction and our bodies and ego in another.  Perhaps the illusive all-consuming love is not to be found in our relations with each other but in our relations with the Divine, and when we unlock that love, we will be able to love human beings without fear.  We will be able to love… Perhaps if we find pure love, our vane pursuits would find less prominence. I leave with those thoughts today. With love Radia 

Following from my personal turn point in moving from a mind-set of selfishness (taking) to one of compassion (giving), I am considering another scenario in marriage – Abuser and victim.   Sometimes one of the partners in a marriage finds themselves consistently giving and receiving abuse by the other either physically or emotionally. This leads to feelings of imprisonment, desperation and hopelessness. Ask yourself why you are there? Do you say to yourself, “I am good, and I keep giving and giving, and he/ she continues to spurn me and abuse is there is something wrong with them!”. Yes, there may certainly be something wrong with them, but is there not also something wrong with you if you endure the abuse repeatedly with no end in sight. Are you accepting the abuse because you think you have no other choice? Or is it because you think deep down that you probably deserve no better? Everyone has a choice. If you choose to stay in an abusive relationship out of fear, perhaps you need to look deeper at your  fear and unpack its heavy layers. Are you afraid that you will be persecuted, have no financial backing, have no father for your children? (or mother for that matter – Women can be equally abusive emotionally if not physically). Perhaps you’re afraid of what people will say? Is your only release then to speak ill of the person who is hurting you or to silently scream WHY??WHY??

Fear is a destroyer. It places you under the realm of control of whatever you fear. Having had some rough experiences growing up at various stages in my life, the one thing I fought most, was being out of control of a situation, but my reaction caused me to be controlled by the fear of not being in control. Back to fear again. How does one break free of the shackles of fear, whether it be the fear of being abused or the fear of not being in control? There is only one answer that has surfaced for me with resounding truth. Trust in the Creator. If you know with certainty, that human beings can have no power over you, because God has power over everything, nothing will control you except your love for Him. You can only do that if you know someone has your back – otherwise it would just be reckless. Human beings may have your back but are themselves subject to circumstances beyond their control and sometimes cannot be there for you no matter how hard they try.  You must trust that the Overseer of the universe is the most compassionate and merciful and will not let you down. You are the only one who can let yourself down. If you realise that you are worthy and need not be a doormat for anybody, you can stand up against the odds. Only God consistently and steadfastly has your back. It may seem like you will lose much if you do not exit an abusive relationship, or if you resist your oppressive partner, but if you do what is right and trust that He will guide, protect and ensure your provision, you release yourself from the fear and need and dependency that you have developed for your oppressive husband, wife or any other human being in your sphere. If you trust Him, your every action will be protected, and you will come out of any ill no matter how hopeless the situation may look. The results are astounding, but you will only see them when you look after some time and consciously notice the changes. Another verse I have come across in the scripture I follow, roughly translated says that God will only change the condition of a people if they first change it themselves. You cannot hope to win a race if you do not enter. If you stand at the start of the race and pray ‘please let me win’, but you don’t run when the gun is fired, what are the chances of you ever wining? God is not a slave to you and your whims to fulfil your every desire without any real effort on your part. In fact, it is the other way around. We need to make the change and overcome our baser desires. We need to follow our inner moral codes which guide us on how to treat the people around us, afford them their rights, dignity and respect, not oppress anyone. Equally we need to protect our own rights and dignity and nor subject ourselves to the oppression of others. That is how we are of service to Him. In return you ultimately gain the spoils of war over your egoism arrogance and other vices. If we fight against our fears of loss and do the right thing, we will always have victory.

Your abuser, abuses because he or she has their own fears and they need to punish someone else to relieve the pressure they feel. That, however, has nothing to do with you. If you find yourself in the path of such behaviour, particularly in a marriage, it is crucial to realise that the person’s behaviour is not because of you, nor is it targeted at you specifically. In fact, it has nothing to do with you at all. You just happen to be the one married to that person. If they were married to anyone else their behaviour would most likely be the same, because they haven’t dealt with their own issues. Realise that it is their issue and not yours. Do what you must to get out of that subjugation and when you do, God will raise you. If you don’t, you will constantly remain the victim. Those of you who know me probably see me as a strong fearless woman. You may be surprised to learn that I was once in a very abusive relationship during my late twenties, before I met my husband. Some of you may know that I was married when I was at Varsity and divorced less than 2 years later. That experience is not the subject of my discussion though. What most of you may not know, because I kept it a closely guarded secret (out of shame), is that a few years later I married an Arab man who took me to Kenya. He was controlling and manipulative and extremely domineering. I later discovered that this “Svengali” was a man of extreme violence, an assassin of sorts that was involved in attempted military coups and the like. I tried to resist him one time and he picked up a coffee table raised it above his head and moved towards me menacingly, to smash the table on me. I was terrified. Thoughts of my death flashed through my mind. I briefly contemplated the loss my family would suffer, and I thought about him burying me in a shallow grave and no-one knowing where I was. I knew in that instant that I had nowhere to go but up. Despite my terror, I refused to let him take my life, my power and my self-respect. If I was going to die, it would be with dignity. I would not cower and submit to the will and tyranny of my oppressor. My only salvation lay with my Creator. I yielded unto Him in that instant and submitted to my fate. If it was my time to die, then I submit. If It was not, He would take me out of it. I then said to my aggressor that I was not afraid of him. If he killed me, I would go and tell my Creator that he sent me there and cut my life short. He obviously didn’t kill me, or this would be an epic tale of “ghost writing”. I will never know what stopped him, but he stood in front of me with the table raised above his head shaking and angry and slowly retreated. Soon after that incident, I returned to South Africa and never looked back. I was afraid that he would pursue me and perhaps try to kill me. I didn’t let that fear dominate or own me. If God had led me out of his tyranny before, he would not touch me. I never saw him again. I refused to be a victim but became a victor instead. I see the experience as a triumph over oppression. I could only do so because I acted with conviction and trust in God. I invite you to interrogate your fears and summon the courage to fight oppression. If we cannot fight personal oppression, what chances do we have of ever fighting global oppression? With love Radia 

I constantly evaluate relationships and the connection with the divine. The act of divine giving is one of giving without the expectation of receiving anything in return. No quid pro quo. For example, a wife will ‘take care of her husband’ but in return wants him to be sensitive to her, loving towards her, listen to her etc. etc. etc. A husband may shut up and avoid a fight (thinking he is doing her a favour) as long as she can just shut up and let him watch the rugby or go out with his buddies. This is trading. Firstly, the expectation is not always communicated to the other person and secondly, even if it were, it often comes out as a demand or a criticism of how the other person is not meeting your needs. The result – conflict. If your relationship contains a measure of purer love, the ‘return on investment’ becomes less important. The act of loving and giving without any expectation of return releases the giver of the stress that comes with waiting for payment. It becomes a pure act of giving for the benefit of another. Where does gratification come in then? Is the need for some form of gratification not also a basic human need? Can human beings exist only to serve others? The truly selfless act of giving becomes possible and more plausible if the essential purpose is for the pleasure of God. The gratification then comes from sufficiency of the connection with God. That sufficiency comes with the comfort of knowing that all reward, subliminal or material comes from Him. Like the adoration of a proud child who impressed his mother. This ultimately means that you relinquish the need for appreciation, reward, compensation acknowledgement from human beings, and derive worth and value purely in the pleasure of the Creator. The release unto the Divine in my experience, comes with an overwhelming freedom. Freedom from the need for approval or anything else from human beings. My slender release unto the divine love of the Creator has given me a glimpse of this beautiful freedom. Not that I have reached the nirvana of controlling my baser desires. By no means. My journey has ups and downs and I sometimes succeed and sometimes not. My aim is to increase the successes by constantly reminding myself and implementing the practice of yielding to a higher will and a higher purpose. My most meaningful evolution has been in my relationship with my husband, companion, friend and esteemed father of my children. I used to live the clichés I mentioned previously, for many long years. A merciful epiphany overcame me when I changed the direction of my focus. I looked at the same situation, the same man from a different angle. I stopped looking to him to make me feel worthy. I stopped needing him to be the perfect companion, to yield to my specific needs in the way I wanted. I stopped doing things for him in the hope that he would fulfil these emotional needs that I had. If I did anything for him, it was because I wanted be of service him and not because I expected him to be eternally grateful. I stopped looking for validation and self-worth from my husband. I realised that no person is physically capable of giving validation and self-worth to another person. If I didn’t find that in myself, any affirmations from other people would not be enough. I had to realise my own self-worth. When I acknowledged my own talents, strengths beauty and flaws without judgement to myself, I knew I could do the same for my husband. The love and kindness from my Creator was suddenly evident in everything. Suddenly all my misgivings about myself became futile. It exposed how ungrateful and blameworthy I was towards Him who brought my soul here and guided me through the wilderness of my existence unfailingly. Every mistake I made I blamed on someone. Ultimately, I was blaming Him. When I truly saw that I had designed my own failures and that He was showing me all along the beauty and truth in every situation, I realised my self-loathing was destroying me and others around me. When I was molested as a child, I let it poison my view of the world. I Became aggressive, judgemental, self-critical, defensive and a control freak. I chose to see myself as a victim rather than a victor who had overcome and gained from an experience that made me grow. Only when I was ready to claim responsibility over my life and my actions was I able to forgive and love myself. I could forgive myself, because I knew that He forgives me. I could love myself, because He created me and loves me. If I cannot forgive and love myself, how would I ever be able to forgive and love anyone else. I was even able to forgive the man who stole my innocence. When I made strides towards this self-acceptance and validation through my love and appreciation of the favours from my Creator, I was able to show love, appreciation and forgiveness towards my husband. Only then was I ready to give to him with purity of heart. I no longer yearned for validation from him. I no longer felt a fear of not being loved. I no longer felt the need to own him, control his thoughts and behaviour or dictate how he should live his life. I was finally able to let go of my fears of loss and unleash my love to him without wanting payback. Without feeling resentment and hurt over irrelevant things because I felt insecure. Without expecting quid pro quo. Only when I realised this, was I released. Released from the prison of my own fears and self-loathing which I projected onto my husband. To my wonderment, he suddenly became the husband I wanted him to be. I was able to appreciate the completeness and beauty of the man I had been privileged to marry. I had to look again at his strengths, weaknesses, eccentricities and beauty, and accept the totality of his existence in as much as I accepted my own. I love. I have to extend this experience to my relationships with all the other people in my life. My children, family, friends and colleagues, with humanity at large. My service is boundless as long as I am alive. Humanity is in need. It is not an easy road. The struggle to maintain balance continues day by day. Moment by moment. I also must manage regression from time to time when I slide into old habits and find my way back again. Is this not the nature of the struggle of our existence? To constantly strive, accept that we err but make strides to correct them and evolve to a higher consciousness of existence. With love Radia 💙

My husband and I, in typical fashion sparred on the battlefield of marriage especially in the first decade of our union.  Being fierce and feisty, I would often lose my temper and lash out at him, and he would clam shut like an oyster in pearl hunt.  My excuse was that I put up with his emotional distance and passive aggression for long periods before I lost my temper. His excuse was that I was always so unpredictable that if he said anything he didn’t know how I’d react. This kind of behaviour became cyclical, where each of us justified our own behaviour because the other person was ‘being unreasonable”. In short each of us were unhappy about how we were being treated by the other. Some typical thoughts included, “I am so frustrated because “he” or “she” does not do XYZ.” Put another way “why does he (or she as the case may be) not see what my needs are, but he expects me to fulfil his? The starting point is therefore a need to take first before you give. The quid pro quo element creeps in. The turning point for me, was when I changed my mind set. I looked at what was important to him and truly wanted to understand his fears and needs, before I start demanding things from him. In other words, compassion overcame my demand -control approach. I replaced my thinking and phraseology – Instead of “How could you do (xyz)?” or “You just don’t pay attention because it’s not important to you?”, my narrative changed to “I wonder what happened that he didn’t do xyz? Did he experience difficulties because I know he wouldn’t purposely get it wrong”? Instead of making him feel worthless and stupid (which I know he is not), I first got his perspective and no longer made assumptions about his actions. I must first engage him with respect and understand where he is coming from. If he didn’t get the correct medicine for our son who was writing matric exams, instead of crashing down on him with “didn’t you pay attention”, I listened to his explanation of how events unfolded. I then also thought about the fact that he was the one sacrificing his time to fetch the meds and would not deliberately get the wrong meds. How could I be angry and play a blame game if I thought about it properly. I started empathising with him instead of demanding from him. When he felt the release of the pressure I used to exert on him, without necessarily understanding it, he opened up to me and drew closer. If I show him respect and enquire rather than accuse, his response is infinitely calmer and more reassuring than it used to be and enhances our mutual love and respect for each other. By the way, I showed him the respect he deserves by requesting his permission to share on social media, some of our experiences. I cannot speak of him to others without his consent. If I speak ill of him to others, I am not clothing him with the protection that husbands, and wives should afford each other. If I speak good of him I do not wish him to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. To him this kind of respect is more important than giving him hugs and kisses, although those are also welcomed. My mind-set changed when I introspected because I needed to find out how to meet my obligations to God – in my marriage, my relations with other people and my life. I could only begin this journey by looking inward to discover where my soul is departing from its true destination. I reflected on what God wants from me and how can I deliver. In the scriptures I follow, He says for husbands and wives to be a covering for each other and to have kindness and compassion towards each other and be the coolness of each other’s eyes. After the honeymoon stage, this almost seems impossible. I looked for other clues. Gradually over the years and with rigorous self-examination, I worked through the things that triggered me and the reasons behind my anger and aggression and it pointed straight back to me and how I felt about myself and the world. I also realised that the emptiness and conflict I felt was because I was not fully comprehending my purpose here. Was I created just to get what I wanted on this earth and use God as a means of acquiring what I want or think I need? This was not working for me. Even when I got what I asked for I was not satisfied. There must be a deeper meaning to life. Human beings are by nature forced to interact with each other, depend on each other and be of mutual benefit to one another. These natural inclinations of our souls are tested in our relationships with each other. When we lose sight of that we start reacting in negative ways. the result is the atrocities we see in the world today. Murder, cruelty, greed, oppression. These matters weigh heavily on me and I had to begin at the most basic point and consider whether my perspective of my role here was not marred by the distractions that my ego was presenting to me. My marriage, was the catalyst to discovering how I sought to serve myself before others. I always thought of myself as a kind giving person, yet when I uncovered the layers of my psyche I realised that even though I was a giving person in general, I still engaged my husband from the perspectives of how he can make me happy, be a good husband etc. etc. I was therefore being a taker instead of a giver. It led me to realise that my relationship with my Creator was one of pleading, asking and there was little I was delivering. Just like my relationship with my husband, save that I was asking and not demanding. That was when I realised that I was not being of service to God and my soul ached a result. One of the ways is to follow His guidance through my intuition and inner moral code to be of service to other humans I co-exist with.  Radia💌

MY TRADE WAR WITH LOVE FOLLOWS

Our entire consciousness is centred around what we want. What we need. What other people can do for us. We start out in a state of helplessness as infants, unable to walk, talk, feed ourselves. We depend on our mothers to provide our very basic needs. We know only how to demand. We know not the language of asking or appreciating. We enter this world as takers. We take from our parents and our siblings and everyone around us. As we grow and acquire some independence in our bodily functions, our minds start maturing. Soon we learn that we cannot have everything we want on demand, as the world does not yield to us as our mothers did when we were born. We devise other ways to take and, in the process, we learn that everything comes with a price, so we learn to give in order to get. We learn about quid pro quo.

We get into relationships with our friends, peers. We find partners whom we claim to love. We marry. How many of these relationships are founded on our own needs and what we can take from the relationship. Young girls are socialised to check a tick box of qualities they want in a man. How many of those qualities are to make them feel good about themselves? ‘I want someone who makes me laugh; Someone who treats me like a princess, who is handsome and strong and respects me. ‘ All of these are qualities that serve the woman. In essence, are women looking for someone who can be of service to them? The starting point is what do “I” get from this person? If I give there must be a return of what I need in the relationship. It becomes almost transactional- a quid pro quo. Let’s flip the coin. How many men who are honest about what they want in a woman.  Someone who will be good to them, take care of them, respect and honour them or obey them, and look good to boot? All these qualities are also aimed at making them feel good about themselves and also call for a woman to be of service to them. If both men and woman are looking for the other partner to serve their emotional needs, and neither has the objective of caring about what is important to their partners, it is inevitable that each will be left wanting in some way.

When they find attraction for each other and “fall in love” they are convinced that they will live happily ever after until both come to the conclusion that this was not what they signed up for. Most often both are expecting unconditional service, but neither is in the mind-set of providing service to the other first.  Many try to change that person so that they can behave in the way we want them to, almost like repairing or tweaking a faulty model. Women may badger their partners into submission and their partners often succumb to keep the peace. Inevitably, the one who gets their way, ends up feeling a false sense of accomplishment, leaving the subdued one relieved to have missed another episode. Often the scenario leads to explosive fights especially when someone hits the trigger button. Isn’t it uncanny how partners know exactly how and when to trigger each other?  Prolonged cycling of this pattern can lead to the breakdown in the relationship.  They then proclaim that they ‘fell out of love’ with each other and either choose to endure for the sake of the kids, or they make themselves content with the good things and resent the bad, silently building resentment for the things they can’t change in their partners. Sometimes they have an affair, hoping to find what is lacking in another person or head for divorce. It occurred to me that this idea of love is a false one. Loving someone, in its most basic form involves compassion, caring and wanting what is best for that person. Being of service to your loved ones.  In order to know how to be of service to someone, you first need to know what they want out of a relationship. How many can honestly engage authentically on their needs with their partners. Most often when a husband doesn’t do the right thing, a woman’s indignant mental response is that ‘he should know me by now’, or ‘How could he be so insensitive?”. In the meantime, the husband is floundering about in his head wondering “What the hell did I do wrong now?” Sound familiar? The husband does not know by osmosis what his wife is thinking at every given moment. Similarly, a wife may not appreciate why a husband wants to watch the rugby, instead of going shopping with her or cuddling on the couch. But dare they communicate their thoughts so that the other partner may understand and in graciousness support the other in a matter which is important to them.  This would be caring, loving and serving to a loved one.   True service is very different from being enslaved or subjugated. It is a desire to make someone feel loved in a manner they would want, rather than the way that you think they should be loved.  One can only discover this if there is a real desire to know and love… Where the desire to give is greater than the desire to take. This is a truer love.  True appreciation of this concept is easier to grasp with an understanding of the divine, a concept explored in the next article. With love. Radia