As human beings we are comforted by consistency and pattern, yet the very essence of life involves constant change. We move from the warmth and comfort of our mothers’ wombs into the stark reality of the world. We cry in agony at the first sudden change to our condition. The journey from birth to adolescence, adulthood, middle-age and old age involves a series of physiological, hormonal, psychological changes to our minds and bodies, changes to our living conditions as we move from our parental homes to our own homes with new families and then become grandparents, grand uncles and aunts or just grand! The cycle of existence is characterised by constant movement and change. At each stage we seem to cherish the comfort of the normalcy of the situation, become emotional when we move to the next and then settle down again to a new pattern. We cry at graduations, weddings, births and other milestone events. The changes that come with these customary rites of passage evoke mixed emotions of sweet sorrow. Changes that come from negative life experiences especially unexpected changes, can more aptly be associated with distress. The fear of loss is inevitably accompanied by the fear of change, possibly due to the fear of not knowing how that change will affect you.

This innate human resistance to change is an interesting contradiction given the constantly changing environment we live in. What I find even more interesting is that this same contradiction exists in nature. The sun rises and sets, the tides ebb and flow, the planets rotate on their axis, all with perfect precision. The seasons change. The weather changes constantly and every day looks different, depending on whether the sun is shining, whether its overcast or just moderate and balmy. The changes in nature are steady, constant and expected. When we are confronted with extraordinary phenomenon in the weather patterns, like floods or extreme cold fronts, extreme events like tornados or tsunamis, the sudden impact evokes great anxiety distress and sometimes destruction. Similarly, unexpected or unpleasant changes in our lives have great emotional impact.

I have always tried to prepare myself mentally for unexpected loss and trauma, by visualising and submitting to the worst I can imagine. Yet when the hint of it crosses my path, I find myself experiencing the fear and emotions I have been trying to avoid. Perhaps it is a necessary step in the process of embracing the change. However if we are to become a part of the change we have to let go of the negative emotions and transition with ease. I believe that the patterns of nature, what I refer to as God’s laws, teach us firstly that we have no control. It also teaches us that there are distinct patterns which fit together in a wondrous mosaic of unity, like a flawless orchestra led by the best conductor. It is the mixture and combination of the different tempos notes and sounds that create the beautiful music. Imagine if we have only rain, there would be floods. If we had only sun there would be drought. Every condition, we experience is necessary for our existence. Without the lows we would not appreciate the highs, without the cold, we would not know warmth. After the storm we experience the calm. Without death, we could not appreciate life. Exposure to the opposites, should engender gratitude for the benefits that each situation brings with it.

Being in the throes of the reality that my dearest loved ones may not outlive me is heart wrenching. It is however, something over which I have no control. I take solace in the trees and the flowers that lose their bloom and brightness at the end of their season. They look as if they will never grow again, yet they revive and bloom as if they had never died. This is the greatest indicator from God that His pattern includes rebirth, regrowth and always presents something to be grateful for. We die, and it seems impossible that we could ever regain life in any form, yet nature shows us otherwise. We fear only because we do not know what lies the other side for us. How can we free ourselves of the fear? To understand the mechanics of any instrument, machine or system, one always must refer to the manual of the designer. The creator of the mechanism. Everything is controlled by something or someone. A boat cannot row itself unless it has a machine which also has a controller. We naturally must revert to the ultimate creator and controller of nature and all the phenomenon that we experience. This means we must relinquish control, albeit the illusion of control. What do we replace it with? Trust? That means we must go with it submit to it, trust the process. Trust the controller, the Creator of it all. We get shaken up every now and then with global events and threats, almost as a reminder that there is much out there more powerful and intelligent than we are. There is much to appreciate in this vast expanse of our tiny existence in the cosmos. If He chooses to take away someone we love and cause a change our lives, it would be easier to accept that change and that loss, if we trust that He revives, He calms after the storm, He controls, and He loves. Without the virtues of gratitude and trust, a bleak existence awaits us…

Always with love and wishing peace,
Radia💙

I’ve been infrequent with my blogging ever since I moved from Facebook to an official blog site. I realised that I am becoming more aware of the impact of sharing. It made me more hesitant, more serious and perhaps too cautious. That’s not entirely bad, since public writing of any form carries with it a big responsibility. However, I would not like to lose the rhythm of my thoughts because I am becoming over-cautious. So here goes. Again..

I have been thinking about the concept of Forgiveness ever before Ramadhan began (I’m certain everyone knows what Ramadhan is, without me having to translate. (I hope I don’t presume too much). More evidence of my reticence to pick up my proverbial ‘pen’ again, for six weeks has already passed since I intended to write about it. Perhaps I have also been hesitant because I have been struggling to live up to what I intend writing about.

In previous blogs, I spoke about how liberating it was to have forgiven the man who molested me when I was a child, despite the significant impact it had on my psyche and the development of my negative view of the world. I began to think about others who occupied space in the resentful quarters of my brain and realised that they are not that easily forgiven. How can someone who had done a big thing receive my pardon when other people who may have done lesser things, still imprison my mind with the shackles of resentment? I had to take stock. I had consistently worked on the big issue over several years and unpacked the elements as best I could before I was blessed with the mercy of forgiveness which reached my core and I was able to release. I realised however, that I needed to understand what lies behind the need to forgive. In general terms, when a human being is hurt by the words, actions or negative inferences, of another, that hurt often turns to ill-feeling towards the person. Ironically it often need not be actual words or actions or thoughts, just a suspicion that someone is offending or intending to offend that can send a person into a spiral of negative emotions. People respond in different ways. Some graciously let it pass over them, while others may experience resentment, anger and even the need for revenge. I’m sure many will agree that forgiveness for what others do to you is easier said than done. It’s not simply a question of “I will look past it and carry on”; “That’s their problem and not mine”; and the ever popular “I don’t give a *&%^ what anyone thinks!”. It hurts like hell when you are affronted, insulted or humiliated. These feeble false responses are as valid and true as the proverbial ‘sticks and stones’ idiom. These are coping mechanisms not only smack of defensiveness and transience, but also do not have a modicum of insight for either your own condition or that of the “perpetrator”. It acts merely as a cover for deep seated hurt that has the potential to fester and take over too much air-time in your precious life. How then do we manage these sometimes-daily occurrences in a way that benefits everyone and hurts no-one? Anyway, why is it necessary to forgive at all? The answer to the latter is simple. Holding on to resentment weighs you down, darkens your soul and takes up time and space that could be used and enjoyed with better pastimes. The answers to the first enquiry is somewhat more complex.

I had always thought that if you place yourself in the shoes of another, and look at a situation from their perspective, it could help you to have a kinder disposition for their transgression against you. I found this to work in some instances and not others. I could do this more often in minor scenarios where for example someone might cut me off suddenly in traffic. I’d remind myself that they were not targeting me specifically and that they may be in a real hurry to be somewhere. I sometimes find myself in that situation and may have done that to someone else. If I consciously went through that thought process, it would be easier for me to let go of such incidents. I found it more difficult in more complex situations. This would include historical big incidents as well as some more frequent occurrences. For example, when someone triggered me on some of my issues, such as saying something hurtful, insulting or which made me feel stupid or insignificant, or appeared to treat me with injustice in some way. Placing myself in their shoes wouldn’t always work in these instances. I know you’re waiting for me to give some juicy exposé about something that happened to me. I cannot reveal much detail to protect the dignity of those concerned. Incidents were narrated to me involving both my parents who were mistreated when they were young by close relatives. I struggle, even now to forgive those transgressions against them. Their hurt became my hurt. Another example of a biggie, is a betrayal by a friend many moons ago that stung. I have moved somewhat past the betrayal but am circumspect in dealing with this friend for lack of trust. Another thought occurred to me. I was readier to forgive what happened in the past but lived in the fear of recurrence of any similar incident. It struck me that I was being driven by fear of being hurt again and again, and this made me reluctant to let go and to truly forgive. On a smaller scale, recurrent behaviour from people can happen daily. Taxi drivers and road users would also always be committing transgressions that affect me and most days I can let go of these minor irritations, but these are not people I know and interact with. Bigger infractions are far more difficult to deal with. When hurt, some people prefer to just cut themselves off from offending friends or family. You may end up cutting off more and more people and make your circle smaller and smaller and your bitterness inevitably bigger and bigger, till it eats you up like a cancer. This was not an answer. I asked myself how do I get I give a ‘blanket forgiveness’ for things that happened in the past, are happening in the present and may happen in the future? Is this too much to ask of any human being? I was stuck.

In truly universal fashion, I was vexed and called upon my God. Some people call on the universe the ‘higher power’. To me there is one and only one, by whatever name He is called. I was most graciously answered through the teachings of a wise Islamic scholar, Sheikh Ahmad Saad during the month of Ramadhan. He was invited as a guest at the Pinelands mosque. Before you stop reading because you don’t want to listen to Islamic rhetoric or preaching, give me a chance. To my pleasant surprise, Sheikh Saad unknowingly provided me with the missing links. One of his talks was on the concept of forgiveness and he mentioned a simple way to approach it. Think about something positive about the person that makes your heart soften towards them. When contemplating their ‘transgression’ feel sympathy for them rather than anger, because they act that way out of basic human error. My mind started racing. Of course, if they had basic human error, as did I, why would I be slow to forgive? If I had never committed a transgression against another, I could perhaps claim such right. I too am human, I too have human frailties, weaknesses and commit errors against others wittingly and unwittingly. So why then does my heart harden when they do the same to me? I was reminded of what I was taught by another wise man, at a life-changing workshop I attended. Perhaps I struggled to forgive myself? Perhaps I struggled to accept my own imperfections and when others confront me with theirs, I am ever ready to execute because it’s easier to deal with someone else’s shortcomings than my own. I don’t mean that it is ok to justify my wrongdoings, but to be kind to myself about my mistakes. I further realised that seeking forgiveness from God then becomes easier. It is circular and obvious. We’re all human beings. We all have weaknesses and end up hurting each other in some way or the other. We seek forgiveness and absolution from what we do wrong. We therefore need to forgive others when they do wrong. However, we can only do so if we acknowledge the wrong we do. The absence of that necessary step renders everything I have to say about the subject moot. If we want forgiveness, others would too. Why can we not give it. Because we want our pound of flesh? If you get that pound have you ever truly felt vindicated by it? As much as you want it from someone else, there may be someone waiting to exact that pound from you.

It’s important to note that forgiveness, like every discipline of the mind is a process rather than an event. You must constantly practice and remind yourself of the higher path. Sometimes, you may find yourself regressing. In moments like this, I find it useful to remind myself of my own humanity and to try to forgive myself even in those moments of regression and to rise again to an elevated consciousness of myself and those around me. I find that Softening one’s heart is the key. This means looking past your own ego and focusing beyond yourself and your own pain and considering what may be driving the perpetrator’s behaviour. Reminding yourself that they may have a context, a story and a history that influences their emotional response. Perhaps they’re just having a bad day. Ask yourself how you would deal with them if they were your own child. How would you expect them to deal with you if you had committed that error against them? Would you not be finding a defence to protect yourself or your child? Why is another person not worthy of such a defence? Can you be the only one in the world entitled to kindness and forgiveness? These kinds of questions may lead us as errant humans to a higher level of interaction with fellow members of our species. Why do we need to do this? Because we are more than just matter. We have an energy, a soul beyond the physical that becomes tarnished by baser lower actions against ourselves and others. Releasing venom, resentment and ill-will clears that energy and brings us closer to our truer selves, which are ever drawn to the Source of everything. In short it liberates you from the shackles of your own mind.

With love💚
Radia

Since I launched my web-page I have had some very positive comments from people, and I would like to thank everyone for your encouragement. This is a daunting process to say the least.  I have also had some stony silences from close friends and family alike, and that could mean that they have not read it yet; that they dislike what I ‘ve written, or that they are simply not into that kind of thing. All these reasons, with or without my endorsement, are obviously valid and reasonable.  What provokes my interest most about this phenomenon is my reaction to either disinterest or rejection.   As an aspiring sage (lol) I am most disturbed by the disgruntlement I feel.  As usual it makes me delve deeper into my truth. I started with my guesses about everyone else’s reaction, which include thoughts that the rawness of my truth (as it was described to me) may make some people feel uncomfortable.  My first reaction is to try to defend myself and I hesitate even while I write this to move away from that instinct.  I find myself wanting to understand why I am doing this at all?   Why would I expose these unrefined truths about myself in public?

Perhaps I crave the attention?  I am not unaware of a lurking narcissistic tendency.  I was always attracted to the dramatic arts and creative writing and am a natural in front of an audience.  However, unlike a true narcissist I have never liked negative attention. Acknowledgement and praise are far more palatable to me than attention for the sake of attention.  Also, it is important for me to share and “make a difference”, so the bleeding-heart aspect of my character also militates against a purist narcissistic agenda.

Some people may feel that it is better to not focus or expose my “dark” inclinations and to focus only on the good and to encourage “good” behaviour. Some may even find it distasteful that I reveal so much of myself. I am not unsympathetic to these viewpoints but find myself choosing a path that is intuitive to me. I certainly am not advocating that everyone must come clean to the world about who they are. I am advocating that we search for and reveal our truths to ourselves.  Only then can we begin to heal from the many hurts that the world has inflicted upon us and move forward to becoming better human beings. I am hoping to find open expression to be a tool that may work for me.

How does one pursue the path towards truth and rectitude if not to wade through the murkiness of your own darkness? How can one understand the concept of light if there is no opposing darkness to define it, or ‘good’ if there is no corresponding ‘evil’ against which to measure it, for everything exists against the polarity of its opposite?  We are not on this earth in a state of perfection, but exist instead in an opposite state of imperfection, which defines the very nature of our existence. The very essence of choosing right actions above wrong ones in our daily lives force us to acknowledge that we have the capacity for both right and wrong, good and evil.  Despite our acute awareness of these choices, we sometimes default into the wrong choices and reactions, despite our best efforts. We focus on what others are doing wrong, become irritated and frustrated with ‘their’ behaviour, wanting to change and correct those around us.  It is no accident that we have no power to change anyone but ourselves and our own reactions.  Even our own reactions are often difficult to control.  Have you found that certain ‘bad’ habits are difficult to break no matter how hard you try?  Sometimes jealousy, anger, resentment or frustration overcomes you despite your best efforts to push these negative emotions aside.  Discipline and constant reminders are seldom enough to quell the repeated reactions in certain situations. If just being ‘good’ and ‘doing the right thing’ were that simple you’d get it right and never err.   You’d be a perfect human.

After decades of trying to correct myself through discipline and obedience, I realised that this was not enough. Years of prayer and angst about getting past my negatives led me to realise that God, in His mercy wanted me to work through these issues. It was not going to just happen. I had to unpack the layers of my ego. I must uncover the layers of my psyche that triggered these behaviours.  The starting point of course was to acknowledge the behaviour and the patterns I tended to follow.  I also consistently work to find the source of these triggers.  In this case, my need for attention and the need to be of service to others is something I must understand if I am to truly make a difference to myself and the humanity.

Growing up I always felt ignored and like my voice wasn’t heard.  I always felt like I was unfairly treated because my side of the story was either stifled or dismissed.  I sometimes felt responsible for not protecting others around me when I had a chance to, because I was too afraid to speak up.  I trained myself and worked against this “weakness”.  At school I would make sure that my voice was the loudest and that I was heard and that my story was out there.  I took the lead and made sure that I was not dismissed or ignored. I would fiercely protect the rights of others so that they would not be unfairly treated under my watch.  That may be why I was attracted to the legal profession. It gave me the chance to manifest these attributes.  I still find myself seeking to be heard.  I still find myself wanting to protect.  I can manifest these emotions negatively or positively, and faced with the inevitable polarity, I struggle as I vacillate between the two, and strive to make the right choices. I believe that we all follow our own paths in finding the peace that our souls push us towards.  We can choose to ignore it or follow our instincts.  This is where I find myself here and now. In five years I may have unpeeled more layers of my truth and find myself in a different space.  I believe that in exposing my inner truths both good and bad, I am attempting to help others to deal with their own difficulties.  I must choose to embrace my journey towards the Divine truth and push past the negative emotions that are grounded in my childhood. I continue to write whether people like or dislike what I am doing and hope to find peace with it if my purpose is a higher one.

With love, Radia💙

 Wishing peace on everyone, including myself. It is peace that eludes me and I realized that as human beings we find ourselves seeking peace and are ironically destined to be eluded by it for the most part of our lives. My present restlessness is the mundane yet prevalent dissatisfaction with my physical self. I have these lofty thoughts and aspirations of transcending my baser instincts and serving humanity and yet this one is the most resilient of my vices. I have by the Grace of God managed to push past the many hindrances in the quagmire of my mind, but this loathing of my physical self is something that not even my experiences at Turning Point, Joyspring or the Mile have put to rest. There is countless evidence of the negative stereotyping that the West has bombarded us with through the likes of popular media, depicting woman as stick thin waifs with size 32 bodies and perfectly sculpted faces. The stick thin bodies have given way to curvier, fuller Kardashian type forms with more sexual overtones and unforgiving raunchiness. Personally, I have always favoured the waifish form, which is unsurprisingly furthest from my own rather strong athletic and almost boyish broad shoulders, narrow hips and rather unfitting larger feminine appendages. Not a popular shape in any culture- lol. That, coupled with what I have been told is a very pretty face, but in my own view, rather big and full, I have suffered with poor self-image even when I was younger, prettier and thinner than I am now. My misgivings of course, have little to do with other people’s opinion of me and everything to do with my opinion of myself. I am angry because I allowed someone else’s view of beauty to influence me and measured myself against unrealistic stereotypes. I am angry because I am a slave to the unsavoury whiles of physical perfection. The search for physical perfection is an insidious toxin that poisons the minds and self-worth of women. I can bet that even the most beautiful women on the planet suffer some sort of insecurity about being imperfect. I recall reading an article about Charlize Theron many years ago, in which she admitted that there are days when she feels fat and unattractive. Charlize Theron! Queen of Hollywood glamour and ultimate feminine beauty. What is it that makes us obsessive about the way we look? I qualify the ‘us’ with ‘some of us’ because I am in awe of those women who have successfully defeated that demon of desirability. I question whether it is a desirability for male attention. In some cases, this may certainly be true. Very often though, it is the desire to compare with other women. To be as good or better than one’s peers. Is it not even more basic than that? Everyone loves to be admired. It feels good when someone says you look great! You’re so pretty. We grew up being pleased as little girls when we had our best dresses on and were told by everyone how pretty we looked. So much so, that it eventually becomes the measure for validation and worse yet, self-worth. Let’s face it, the world loves good looking people. We all want that advantage. Although I detested being objectified growing up and was more insulted by comments about my sexiness and my legs on the netball court (which I thought were horrendously muscular, yet the boys loved them – go figure!), I still enjoyed the compliments about being good looking. The problem is, whether I believed it or not, I needed to feel pretty and gorgeous. The world loved pretty and gorgeous. If I did not feel those things, then I was not good enough. This subtle toxin permeated even the most rational parts of my brain and sunk deep into my consciousness. I am still struggling to shed the incredible burden it has placed on my existence. I cannot bear to look at pictures of myself. As dissatisfied as I am with my physicality, my distaste of the horrendous image of me cast in photographic images far exceeds my unhappiness in front of a mirror. Alas, as penance for my vanity and fear I am cursed with being one of the least photogenic people on the planet. On the odd occasion that I do photograph well, you will find those pictures on my social media profiles. Yes, I am ashamed. Yes, I seek to be rid myself of this burden and to accept myself. I am aging and one day I will be looking like a grandma and that is how life is. I would love to release myself unto the process without fear. I continue to strive. One thing is for sure. None of this silliness can hamper my life purpose. However, to maximize my service to humanity, I must fight my own demons. May God guide us all to rectitude. Thank you for sharing in my journey. With love and humility. Radia💙

My journey takes me to a beautiful and powerful prayer wherein the devotee asks for the best of this world and the next. I am particularly intrigued by meaning of ‘the best of this world’, especially since the best of the next would at best be speculative. That prayer has always just rolled off my tongue with the assumption that the best of this world is something that awaits me in the future. I have recently begun to question that assumption. I held a false belief that the best of the world meant having the best worldly possessions, opportunities and physical experiences. In as much as I spoke about having, but detaching oneself from these things, I assumed that having them was part of the blessing. Isn’t that why we go on holidays, buy nice things and want more of the “good life”. Is success defined as living first class – or at the very least business class? Why then are there so many disgruntled wealthy people. Sure, you can say it’s better to be crying in a limousine than weeping on a pavement. The common denominator is that you are crying. The goodness or best of this world cannot be about luxury. It is an immutable fact that luxury cannot shield misery. I could be in the best place in the world (scuba diving in the Maldives) and still have anguish or dissatisfaction about something. What better condition circumstance or experience am I waiting for? Oddly enough I was struck with this notion after I posted the picture of my beautiful family on Facebook when we were celebrating Eid. The cliché about a picture being worth a thousand words came alive for me as I saw happiness and love captured in an instant. I felt warm, satisfied and eternally blessed when I spotted the beauty in that moment. It hit me light a thunderbolt. This is what the best of this world is. It is right here available to everyone. The best of this world is in the love you feel when you connect with loved ones. It is when a sunrise takes your breath away, or when your husband brings you a box of sweetie pies, and you savour the soft sweetness of the delectable marshmallow mixed with the gentle biscuity base. The momentary sensations and emotions that make such the experiences wonderful, lie not in their fleeting gratification, but in a deep sense of gratitude and acknowledgement for the blessing and favour bestowed upon me. The joy and gratitude in that moment becomes devoid of the fear of not having more or not having the same tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own sorrows and joys. Another realization for me was that I only truly felt the goodness of my existence when I felt both gratitude and trust in the beneficence and compassion of God. The realization that I always had the goodness of the world and the cloud of worry and doubt had blocked my vision of it, made my cry with a relief and I felt that cloud mercifully give way to reveal the light. I already have the very best that this world has to offer. That has been but one experience of the meaning of that prayer. I hope to uncover more. Eternally grateful. Till next time God willing. With much love, Radia

In my path of self-examination, I am drawn to my favourite line in the Shakespeare play Hamlet, when Polonius says to his son Laertes: “to thine own self be true”. The verse goes:

“Polonius:

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”

There is much written about the literary meaning of this phrase. Scholars have generally attributed different meanings to the phrase – that someone can better judge himself if he has done what he should or could have. The second meaning is that one must be honest in his ways and relations. The third meaning is that one must always do the right thing. Finally, in keeping with the character of Polonius in the play, many scholars are of the view that by ‘True’ he meant beneficial; therefore, his advice to his son meant that he must think of his own benefit first.

There are elements of truthfulness, moral rectitude and even self-benefit – if that is your true nature. This line has stuck in my head since I first read it in high school when we were forced to by our alcoholic English teacher, (God rest his soul). To me it has always meant that one must be an authentic person. In other words, do not pretend to be someone you imagine yourself to be, or someone whom others want you to be. Be who you are.  Of course, the difficulty is in discovering exactly who you are?  The question has always vexed me. I have been different as a child, teenager, young adult and older adult. In fact, if I examine my primal experiences, they shaped my reactions to everything and everyone I encountered thereafter. Is my nature therefore defined by my experiences and reactions? How much of me is determined by my genetics and how much by my experience? (the old nature v nurture debate). And then, what if my true self is a deviant or social misfit, shall I then still be true to myself? I knew there were many deep layers to this question. I started the journey of self-discovery. By the time I had reached adulthood I was certain of a few of my behaviours and what some may call traits, forgive me if I confuse or conflate these concepts. I was a natural leader; a fighter against unfairness; I gave generously where I could, always feeling for the underdog; I was truthful to the point of brutality; sometimes, aggressive and defensive; I was domineering and even arrogant, always thinking I knew best. Some of these behaviours still surface and I must constantly keep them in check. Do these behaviours determine who I am? I used to think so. As a result, I became extremely self-critical; and judgemental and naturally exercised that same harshness towards others. People either resented me, grudgingly respected me or loved me, the latter being confined to the very few people who were really close to me. Even those who loved me, saw me as unpredictable and tempestuous, always feeling a little intimidated, or at the very least cautious, if something didn’t work out the way I wanted. Apart from my loved ones who have witnessed my journey and some of my evolutions, others may still see me if not experience me in that way. At first, I always justified my reactions, blaming people and their follies as the source of my behaviour. After all, if they weren’t so inconsiderate or stupid or mean or whatever adjective I could conjure up in the circumstance, I wouldn’t have to react that way. I bemoaned my fate that no-one truly knew me and that they always judged me harshly. ‘I am a good person’ I would tell myself. I only act out when provoked. Perhaps it was I that was projecting that very behaviour onto others. I was critical of anyone who did not meet my code of conduct, ignoring that sometimes my code was not that great. Everything had to be ‘my way or the highway’ as they say, because after all, I knew best. Ludicrous, I know. Think about whether you’re inadvertently thinking the same about yourself. Does it feel as if the world does not understand you and there is something wrong with everyone else and not really you. I gradually started realising that I behaved more like a bully than I cared to admit to myself. I became acutely aware of both my negative and positive impact on people and was greatly disturbed by my ‘unintended’ bullying of those around me. At least, I convinced myself, it was ‘unintended’. I just could not control certain behaviours. If something triggered me, I flew into a rage, If I saw unfairness I attacked without finding out the facts first, If I thought people were dismissive of me or inconsiderate, I defended myself to the hilt, often smashing a mosquito with a sledge hammer so to speak. My voice was always loud, lest someone not hear me or ignore me. I slander others for their bad behaviour because it makes me feel better about myself (how debasing to my soul). I tried everything under the sun to modify my extreme reactions and attempted to find the tools to help me become a better person. I went to many self-development courses and workshops and I even consulted a life-coach. I consulted spiritual leaders and healers, read self-help motivational books and looked at Sufi teachings. I learned many things along the way and cumulatively, they enhanced my understandings and insights. However, in all the teachings I did not find the road-map I was seeking. The principles of how to attain a higher consciousness have always been there for me. My religious teachings have spelled them out and have been the foundation of my existence. The courses I went to repeated many of these principles in different ways, the Sufi teaching gave me the spiritual dimension and reinforced my aspirations of seeking a higher consciousness, but none of them provided the successful mechanism to implement these principles. I was confused about my own truth, about how to push past my negative experiences and views of the world to find my true self, the embodiment of my soul.

I then came upon a wise old man, who with his family dedicates his life to raising the consciousness of human beings.  They helped to me to unlock my mind and pressed replay on the most trying situations in my life.  I had to revisit the source of my primary experiences that shaped my negative views of the world.  My mistrust of the world and its offerings, laid its roots (amongst others) in my delicate years when an adult male breached my innocence at the tender age of six, by revealing his intimate parts to me and violating my own intimacy.  My childhood ended then and I saw the world as a threatening place, even fearing my own father if he tried to hold me.  I had to be in control, I had to be vigilant and strong.  Later in my teens I experienced terror as I watched a close family member being tortured in front of me and I was drowned in helplessness, preferring death to such disempowerment. I always had to help those in need. I fought injustice.  I was not going to be so helpless again. I toughened my resolve and clothed myself with aggression and self-righteousness.  To go forward, I first had to look back and deconstruct the assumptions. I rewrote my narrative of these experiences, until their power over me became less and less.  It dawned on me, that the armour that I built around myself was not my innate nature or truth but inadequate feeble defences that masked my truth and dampened the illumination of my soul.

I discovered that the sacred scriptures lay down the principles about how best to live your life, your inner moral code acts as a compass of the direction you take, but to implement these principles – what I like to refer to as natural laws, life is your teacher and the Divine your guide. I discovered that all I need is the true will to meet my demons and conquer them, and the answers would become evident.  With love Radia 

I’ve always thought about the rites of passage and the different stages in our lives like a sausage machine. We get fed into the system and come out the other side stuffed, and then we shrivel and get ready to die. I watched the movie “Boyhood” on the plane once and was struck with those thoughts again. This story about the life of an ordinary boy in contemporary America, growing up in with a sister and a single mom, was an oddly gripping 2 and a half hours of largely uneventful milestones of a young boy from about the age of 7 or 8 to his teens, when he discovers himself. He is a broody melancholy character who meanders through his life with existential angst, until he finds a girl who shares his thirst for finding meaning to it all. It ends on a more or less happy note leaving the viewer to imagine the rest of his life going through the normal motions of college, job and career building, marrying, having children, maybe divorcing, acquiring a better house, car and later downsizing. His 3 times divorced mom, having gone through the steps religiously, sums it all up when he is leaving for college, and she is cleaning house to down size to a flat-let now that the kids are leaving. She breaks down and realizes that her life has passed her by and that all she did was work, study, marry divorce and raise the kids. “I thought there would be more” she cries. The movie brought me back to question of life purpose.

Is that it? Is that what life is about? Are we here only to find partners, have kids, get jobs and ‘things’ and prepare our children for life so that they can start it all over again, and maybe, if we have time do some community or charity work in between? And to the devout, pray and aspire to an unachievable height of nothingness. Eat, pray love. Although working, marrying etc. are important and necessary parts of our lives, they cannot in themselves be the purpose of our lives. They are part of our journey, but surely there must be more. Growing up I have been preoccupied with gaining success in this world and would pray in my early years for various things, mostly to do with my comfort and success in the world. What if my time in the world were short, what then, what would the sense be in acquiring things to make me comfortable in a world that I may depart from at any time? I certainly do not want to be at my deathbed wondering what more I could have done. And if I had done those things, would they give me more fulfilment or peace at the time of my departure from this world? Worse still, what if God forbid I have an unexpected and sudden passing, could I say I have done what I came here for? I am here in this all-consuming world as a traveller en route to my true destination. The glamour and false treasures that the world dangles, never satisfies, so it cannot be a real and final destination. It is almost like a mirage, reflecting unending desire that never satiates. With absolute certainty I felt that my presence here is not just to eat, pray, love and die, but that I would at the end of my life have to account for how I lived my life and what I did to uplift other people and submit to the natural laws, the laws of God, before my soul returns to its home. How do I answer my Creator upon my return to Him about how I spent my precious short time on this earth? Did I just go through the motions, pray and follow the rules without any real purpose, meaning, love and understanding? I continue to find the answers through examining relationships amongst other things. Our relationships with those closes to us often reveal the parts of ourselves that we conceal. But we need to look carefully, or we will conceal it even from ourselves. Somewhere in the quagmire we must find our meaning. Our purpose. All my love Radia

Updated 17 April 2018

Detachment is not that you should own nothing but that nothing should own you

Imam Ali

Since I started blogging I ‘ve been wanting to write about the attachment that human beings tend to develop for the world we live in. Some are attached to success, wealth, status. Some attachments are formed with material possessions, a common one being an attachment to a beautiful car you may own, or a house that must be kept in immaculate condition with state of the art décor, or even to things like shoes or clothes. The most powerful attachments are less tangible and take the form of emotional attachments to the people we love. Sometimes attachments are less obvious and take the form of an idea that people have of themselves and how they how they see the world. It is, I suspect it is not uncommon to have a combination of different powerful attachments. Whatever the flavour, these attachments are as valuable as their date of termination. The only problem is that the date of termination is uncertain as it inevitably is determined by the date of one’s death, therefore its value becomes somewhat diminished. A morbid but critical subject, death. It is the ONLY absolute certainty of LIFE. If we know we are to die, why the incessant need to attach ourselves to things, thoughts and feelings that are finite, as we will inevitably have to detach ourselves from them at the point of our departure for this world, whenever that is. The harder we cling to it, the more difficult it will be to let go of. Even more alarming is the thought of building all our hopes and dreams on a transient and temporary world. That is not to say that one should not live life, have hopes and dreams, own things. The problem arises when those things, thoughts and feelings own you. How do you feel when your brand-new car gets a dent or a scratch, does it rip at your insides a little? How about if your expensive leather couch gets a stain, do you physically feel a pain? If we pin all our desire and energy on anything so uncertain, we are sure to be distraught by the loss of it. I am reminded of the words of a song by Dido– “My life is for rent… cause nothing I have is truly mine.”  Is this not true though? We have the use of things but in reality, we own nothing, even if we have paid up houses or cars, for the majority, even those are owned by financial institutions, to whom we are enslaved over a period of years until the debt is paid, giving us a shallow illusion of ownership. The truth is that a paid-up house remains here after you depart and is of no use to you. Maybe for your children who then repeat the cycle of owning something which will ultimately have zero personal value to them at the point of death. What is the sense in engaging your consciousness in acquiring and consuming until you die. Then what? This, to me represents compelling proof that the bedazzlement of the world is a distraction from the substance of a meaningful life.

Have things, love with all your heart, but understand that they will be lost one day, and be prepared to let go. Wouldn’t it be better to mentally detach yourself now so that if you experience loss it is an experience and not a suffering? It becomes easier if you accept that everything in life is on loan. It goes without saying therefore, that the Giver of life, is also the taker thereof, and therefore the benefactor of everything.  We can be dispossessed at any time.  Is it not more fruitful to attach less importance to materiality rather than focusing on reducing and managing the risk of loss?  The incredible stress of averting loss when compared to the freedom of emotional detachment is priceless.  As a human being, how much do you really control? If you are struggling to maintain what you have, whether it be millions, or enough to get through day by day, it is still a struggle. There can be no control in struggle. Struggle to control is almost an oxymoron. Letting go could begin by allowing that scratch on your car or the stain on your couch be a reminder of the transience of everything you ‘own’ or control.

We also have the wonderful gift of relationships, be they with our partners or children, friends or lovers, none of which we have any really measure of dominion over.  How do we deal with loss of a loved one, through death, separation or anything else for that matter? The ultimate loss by death of a loved one is obviously difficult.  If you’ve ever experienced the loss of a loved one through illness, you may be familiar with the feeling of not doing enough to try to get them back to health, blaming doctors or medications etc. The passing of my beloved father, (May he be in the highest place of peace), was excruciating for me. He was ill for 9 months and I constantly thought he would get better and regain his health, and I thought there must be more that I could do to speed up that process.   My father had been a focal influence in my life and I had a deep attachment to him. He was my back-up; my security, and his passing felt like a rug was being pulled out from under my feet. I struggled to believe that he was passing away, but eventually I realised it was his time, and mercifully, I was able to let go before he peacefully passed on. It was his time. He returned unto his Creator and journeyed to the next phase of his existence. I miss him every day, but I can continue my life with appreciation of the invaluable tools he had left me.  I am at peace in the knowledge and acceptance that he has continued his journey, where I would have to follow when it is my time. Life is a gift, as is everything else made available to us on this earth, but like everything else it is temporary and can be taken away, lost, or destroyed.

The most excruciating pain I could conceive would be to lose one of my 3 precious children, and even though I’d rather not entertain the thought, I am acutely aware that I have no control over their or my time on this earth. I was tested when my oldest son wanted a gap year in Australia this year at an Aborigine School in Queensland, in the Australian outback in the middle of nowhere.   I knew it would be good for him for character building amongst other life lessons. Closer to the time of his departure I had misgivings and a voice in my head kept saying ‘he is not coming back’.  I was almost overcome by my fear of losing him but succumbed to the realisation that holding onto him would neither lengthen nor shorten his journey on this earth and beyond, and that travel he must.  I entrusted him His Creator, knowing that I have no control over whether he will return to me or not. I do however pray for his safe return, but I cannot be consumed by it.

Detachment does not mean giving up everything and living the life of a hermit. We are social beings and have dependencies on each other. We need relationships and things and worldly attractions but to become attached to them whether they be things or people to the extent that they consume and own you, and define your existence, is an unworthy and fruitless pursuit. Juxtapose angst of attachment with the liberation of detachment, which allows you the freedom to appreciate the gifts of this world and yet enable the lightness of letting them go. Simply put – Travel lightly. My personal reminder to aid my detachment of all that I love in this world is to submit to my Creator as my benefactor, and the owner, controller, designer of everything in this world and beyond. Any control we think we have is but the illusion of control. The ultimate control lies with the Master of the universe and unto Him is our return. With love Radia 

]]> https://radiar.co.za/the-emptiness/ Thu, 26 Apr 2018 07:03:33 +0000 https://radiar.co.za/?p=18 July 30 2017 at 12:33pm ·

The ego is a part of us that loves power. It is a part that loves to be seen, recognised, praised and adored.”
(Yasmin Mogahed: Reclaim your heart).

I fall prey to this syndrome more often than I’d like. When I put up a picture or a post on social media, I wait for compliments acknowledgement and recognition. I ask myself is this currency of self-worth real or utterly false and transient? The answer is obvious, but the question it raises is more profound. What is the real currency for a meaningful existence. From childhood we’re taught to be pleased with praise and acknowledgement from our parents, our teachers, our peers. Winning and achieving and receiving recognition therefore is ingrained in us and continues to filter our experiences. Hence, we end up constantly pursuing appreciation, acknowledgement and respect from people as a means of self-validation. Following our fears and desires in a feeble attempt to feel worthy cannot lead to anything but emptiness. Many have tried pursuing material wealth, power and status but still return to an emptiness or an insatiable desire for more, never quite reaching the point of ‘enough’. Others find a worthy cause to pursue and become despondent when they fail to change the world. A better currency, but still not real currency, for its value is diminished at the end of the game. All these pursuits lead to an emptiness and fails to quell the inner yearning. Perhaps a yearning for love, respect, fulfilment, the meaning of life, life purpose, whatever you want to call it. The yearning springs not from the heart or the head or the ego. The yearning springs from the soul. The yearning to return to its true nature and true love. The world and its false and temporary attractions distracts the soul from its true pursuit. The pursuit of the divine. So that even when we seek to do good in this world without true divine purpose, those pursuits fail to fulfil us as human beings. How then do we conquer the ego and submit to our true divine nature?

Self-gratification, whether it be the pursuit of baser desires to boost the ego or a less base desire to make a difference in the world, if that desire is based on the need to make oneself feel better, then it will ultimately lead to disappointment, despondency and emptiness. It may also induce some to look for more temporary relief from the emptiness. This sometimes takes the form of drugs, stimulants or other distractions subtler in nature, but which are intended to make one feel marginally better about the world. This includes, shopping, food addiction, gym addiction, not that keeping healthy is not good, but an excess thereof as with all excesses, may be a surrogate for the loneliness or emptiness that false pursuits will bring. These distractions so to speak are attachments. Attachments to the world and its dazzling but transient charms. What is it that the soul seeks then? The answer lies not in worldly attractions, but rather divine ones. To me, the divine attraction has always been earning the love of my Creator. I have been spending the better part of my life thus far, trying to discover what that is. Many questions have surfaced for me. We live on the earth. why does its attractions not fulfil or satisfy? Why should we not have the nice things the world has to offer? Why can’t I do something meaningful to end poverty and pathos?

I realised that these were the wrong questions. I had to go to a more fundamental question – why have I been put on this earth? Not only am I here, but I am here with billions of other people who share the space and who have similar needs to me. There is no doubt that I am a Gnostic and that all my thoughts are centred around that one certainty for me. Everything for me therefore must relate back to the Centre, the Source, the beginning, the end, The Creator. We have a common thread in all religious teachings (irrespective of the source) that there is a code of conduct. I am not referring to the various rituals of prayer or dress. I am referring to the profound code of how to interact with each other. The common ethos is one of kindness, compassion and assistance. This relates to codes on greeting, giving charity, assisting, and forgiveness. These are all modes of service. Service to human beings. Perhaps one of the core purposes for our existence here, is to be of service to human beings. That service, without a higher purpose however is insufficient. The service must be as part of the ultimate service to the Creator. For our souls are unto the source, the Creator. Its natural gravitation pulls the human in that direction and the attractions of the world pull us in the opposite. The key than must be in balancing one’s existence. How do we detach ourselves sufficiently from false distractions and move our souls towards return to its divine origin in a way that still allows us to live and participate and enjoy the fruits of the world?