6 May 2018
Since I launched my web-page I have had some very positive comments from people, and I would like to thank everyone for your encouragement. This is a daunting process to say the least. I have also had some stony silences from close friends and family alike, and that could mean that they have not read it yet; that they dislike what I ‘ve written, or that they are simply not into that kind of thing. All these reasons, with or without my endorsement, are obviously valid and reasonable. What provokes my interest most about this phenomenon is my reaction to either disinterest or rejection. As an aspiring sage (lol) I am most disturbed by the disgruntlement I feel. As usual it makes me delve deeper into my truth. I started with my guesses about everyone else’s reaction, which include thoughts that the rawness of my truth (as it was described to me) may make some people feel uncomfortable. My first reaction is to try to defend myself and I hesitate even while I write this to move away from that instinct. I find myself wanting to understand why I am doing this at all? Why would I expose these unrefined truths about myself in public?
Perhaps I crave the attention? I am not unaware of a lurking narcissistic tendency. I was always attracted to the dramatic arts and creative writing and am a natural in front of an audience. However, unlike a true narcissist I have never liked negative attention. Acknowledgement and praise are far more palatable to me than attention for the sake of attention. Also, it is important for me to share and “make a difference”, so the bleeding-heart aspect of my character also militates against a purist narcissistic agenda.
Some people may feel that it is better to not focus or expose my “dark” inclinations and to focus only on the good and to encourage “good” behaviour. Some may even find it distasteful that I reveal so much of myself. I am not unsympathetic to these viewpoints but find myself choosing a path that is intuitive to me. I certainly am not advocating that everyone must come clean to the world about who they are. I am advocating that we search for and reveal our truths to ourselves. Only then can we begin to heal from the many hurts that the world has inflicted upon us and move forward to becoming better human beings. I am hoping to find open expression to be a tool that may work for me.
How does one pursue the path towards truth and rectitude if not to wade through the murkiness of your own darkness? How can one understand the concept of light if there is no opposing darkness to define it, or ‘good’ if there is no corresponding ‘evil’ against which to measure it, for everything exists against the polarity of its opposite? We are not on this earth in a state of perfection, but exist instead in an opposite state of imperfection, which defines the very nature of our existence. The very essence of choosing right actions above wrong ones in our daily lives force us to acknowledge that we have the capacity for both right and wrong, good and evil. Despite our acute awareness of these choices, we sometimes default into the wrong choices and reactions, despite our best efforts. We focus on what others are doing wrong, become irritated and frustrated with ‘their’ behaviour, wanting to change and correct those around us. It is no accident that we have no power to change anyone but ourselves and our own reactions. Even our own reactions are often difficult to control. Have you found that certain ‘bad’ habits are difficult to break no matter how hard you try? Sometimes jealousy, anger, resentment or frustration overcomes you despite your best efforts to push these negative emotions aside. Discipline and constant reminders are seldom enough to quell the repeated reactions in certain situations. If just being ‘good’ and ‘doing the right thing’ were that simple you’d get it right and never err. You’d be a perfect human.
After decades of trying to correct myself through discipline and obedience, I realised that this was not enough. Years of prayer and angst about getting past my negatives led me to realise that God, in His mercy wanted me to work through these issues. It was not going to just happen. I had to unpack the layers of my ego. I must uncover the layers of my psyche that triggered these behaviours. The starting point of course was to acknowledge the behaviour and the patterns I tended to follow. I also consistently work to find the source of these triggers. In this case, my need for attention and the need to be of service to others is something I must understand if I am to truly make a difference to myself and the humanity.
Growing up I always felt ignored and like my voice wasn’t heard. I always felt like I was unfairly treated because my side of the story was either stifled or dismissed. I sometimes felt responsible for not protecting others around me when I had a chance to, because I was too afraid to speak up. I trained myself and worked against this “weakness”. At school I would make sure that my voice was the loudest and that I was heard and that my story was out there. I took the lead and made sure that I was not dismissed or ignored. I would fiercely protect the rights of others so that they would not be unfairly treated under my watch. That may be why I was attracted to the legal profession. It gave me the chance to manifest these attributes. I still find myself seeking to be heard. I still find myself wanting to protect. I can manifest these emotions negatively or positively, and faced with the inevitable polarity, I struggle as I vacillate between the two, and strive to make the right choices. I believe that we all follow our own paths in finding the peace that our souls push us towards. We can choose to ignore it or follow our instincts. This is where I find myself here and now. In five years I may have unpeeled more layers of my truth and find myself in a different space. I believe that in exposing my inner truths both good and bad, I am attempting to help others to deal with their own difficulties. I must choose to embrace my journey towards the Divine truth and push past the negative emotions that are grounded in my childhood. I continue to write whether people like or dislike what I am doing and hope to find peace with it if my purpose is a higher one.
With love, Radia💙